The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
