I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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