I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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