I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
