I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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