Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
