I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
