I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
