Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
