Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
