Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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