So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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