so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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