please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I can text with my tongue
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Randomize
