Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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