Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm passing your future prison.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Randomize
