she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
