Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
