White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
