Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
