he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
