you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
