I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
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No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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