When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
