So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
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