I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
