I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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