I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
