Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
