People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
