I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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