he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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