I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
