we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I am naked and annoyed.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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