He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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