nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
