Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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