i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
