i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
