God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
