I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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