Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
that may or may not have been my penis.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
