I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
