No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
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