i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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