She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
