Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
