someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
