I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
