you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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