i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Randomize
