Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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