I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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